19th May 2008
22nd April marked the first year anniversary of the longest dry patch this series has ever had. Now nearly a month later there's a tiny ray of hope for this series. I'd not be surprised if most of this series' readers have stopped bothering looking here, but I do hope that there are one or two left to read this.

My main problem is that I seem to have lost focus, on everything. It isn't just FV that's suffering, it's everything. I have yet to figure out why I've become like this so this is still a working progress. Anyway the news is that I finally sat down and thought about what to do with Season Five, this whole thing happened during Meets the Eye's writing, it didn't interfere with B4FV episodes at all.. I was writing them with no trouble at all. I thought one problem may be with Season Five itself. Obviously the route of the problem is me, and the way I'm thinking lately.. but still, there's got to be something else.

I came to the conclusion that maybe Season Five was too well prepared. Season One was written quickly but... in my opinion badly as I didn't plan much but when I did I'd ignore it most of the time. Season Two and Three, I improved on the planning but still left room for imagination during writing. Season Four, again.. improved, some episodes were planned to the teeth (Happy Ever After, Closing of the Eyes..) but still there was wiggle room. Season Five, most of the earlier episodes were planned out in advance, the story arc of the season was done long before Season Four got started.. Perhaps deep down I feel a bit restrained. I'm expecting way too much from these episodes, and I believe that I'll fail myself, so why even try.

To that end I at first decided to move Dead or Alive, Queuing Forever and Paradise (which do go together) back to make room for episodes that had more freedom. However Three's a Paradox had one major issue I hadn't addressed, the original Dead or Alive scenes. There was a lot of stuff pre-episode that followed on from Meets the Eye's mini cliffhanger that has to be in it's following episode, no matter what it was. As Dead or Alive, the first half of it that I did was below my expectations for it, it was infecting how I felt about Three's A Paradox, putting me off even further.

Earlier this month I planned an episode to accommodate the follow on from Meets the Eye, to allow the episodes mentioned above to stand on their own in a way. I found the episode I came up with would really make a good replacement for Dead or Alive, and it would be a lot more interesting. However Dead or Alive is one of the most important episodes of the season, and there's a big revelation in it. The more I planned in my head, the more it all came together. Dead or Alive's original plot was scrapped completely, even the subplot with Jessie's illness which was the only part of the original Dead or Alive that was wrote half decent in my opinion. The episode Three's A Paradox has Jessie seriously ill along with two others anyway, it seemed a bit overkill to have the same thing happen to her twice, especially in such a short space of time.

The new Dead or Alive still has that revelation and many more explanations for mystery's that have come up during earlier seasons, it satisfies the Meets the Eye cliffhanger. Best of all it helps the problem with the trainees that I had, and with it tied together with Queuing Forever much better than the original did, it gives me a bit more hope for that episode's success as well. Queuing Forever was going to be just a fight episode, which worried me a lot.. now it's the second part to Dead or Alive, they're both linked so it's a bit more interesting. Nobody wants to read a story full of fighting, I know I didn't want to write it. The episode Sin Deep has been moved to follow it, Three's a Paradox following it, and Paradise being a standalone. The rest of the season is mostly the same, one or two less developed episode ideas were scrapped leaving plenty of empty slots for freedom.

There's new life in Season Five, lets hope it works this time. In the mean time thank you for still checking the site, you're very patient.

23rd January 2008
Ok I've had enough.. I've had quite serious writers block for ages now and it doesn't seem to want to go away. I don't know the reason for it. I've been stuck on the latest episode Dead or Alive for a while now, it isn't working. However it isn't an episode I can cancel, it isn't an ep I want to get rid of anyway. It's the writers block that's throwing me off. Luckily though it is an episode I can delay and release properly later. I did just go to delete the first part of it and found it hadn't even been properly uploaded anyway. Oh well, so how many episodes did really get released last year??? One?

Anyway my original plan before giving up for the time being on this episode, was to put back Queuing Forever and Paradise, and put forward the two episodes I've been wanting to write for ages. Now Dead or Alive will have to wait until after those two. Not entirely though, a lot of scenes from it will have to go into the new episode 8 because there's the "cliffhanger" on episode 7 that needs following through. There was a lot of stuff, series storyline stuff that was squashed and rushed into Dead or Alive, so at least it can be paced out instead.

As for Dead or Alive itself. There's still a lot left of it that'll be kept, it's not going to be completely rewritten. I was only majorly disappointed with the shuttle storyline. My main problem with it were the trainees. There I was throwing in nine underdeveloped guest stars in with two main ones, and making them interact in a crisis. Some don't really have any personality traits worth using, while the ones that do just didn't click with me. The only one that really came close to working (luckily for much later episodes of Season Five) was Nathan. Yes I know, they're guest stars they don't need that much work on.. but for this episode to work properly they have to at least have something that'll make you like or not like them. The other thing that bothered me about the episode, besides the rushing the season storyarc into one episode, was two characters with names beginning with D: Damien and Duncan. Lots of my earlier written scenes with the two are fine, the later ones.. Damien isn't as funny to me anymore (with the exception of that flashback scene you'll see in Three's A Paradox now.. it'll fit better there anyway), and Duncan .. same actually. Duncan's extremely important in this episode, so it was a big problem.

The next episode is officially now Three's a Paradox, with Sin Deep following. If I can't do these two episodes then we have got a very big problem. Dead or Alive was supposed to be my big comeback episode, but all it's done is made me feel ten times worse than I did when I proof read Meets the Eye, which I've never been happy with. If only I knew what caused my writers block in the first place, it'll be two years this year... Ok that's not fully accurate, some of my best material was written in July/August 2006. I have been writing less and less since then though, I can't fathom why. I mean I was going to write a few Season Five episodes after B4FV ended, then start the movie.. I never thought over a year later I'd still be nowhere near that goal.

Warning - Rant Alert!
I can't tell you how depressing this whole situation is. I wanted to write my own book(s) someday, maybe have a job in a computer environment.. Instead I've been stuck with a writers block that wont go away, and been working in a tiny little card shop on minimum wage. Weird thing is, I felt slightly less worthless unemployed. At least there I wasn't being humiliated on a daily basis cos I can't understand what people are saying behind their fake Geordie accents, or because I have miscounted the huge pile of silver coins I've given to the idiot who gave me a £20 note for a 69p card right after the shop opened. I'm still waiting for the day I'm given the shaft, when the hell are they going to interview the new Saturday worker.. get it over with. I mean I got paid £200 for making a crappy tiny website the other week, I get 88 a week for freezing my ass off in that shop, getting demeaned by customers, and made to feel stupider than I am. I am not made for retail.. I'm easily stressed, I'm crap with new people and my maths skills go to hell when I'm stressed, that's the only time it's needed, when the crap happens. Ok ok Marill.. stop ranting on. I really don't want anyone here to think that I believe I'm too good for retail with this rant. Retail is probably one of the hardest jobs in the world. I don't look down on anyone who works in a shop, I have served a lot of people who do. I just know what I really want to do, and think that one day I'll be good at it.. this writers block is in the way, and I feel worthless enough without having a job that makes me feel even worse. Ok I'll shut up, for now :)