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Written
4th December 2015

Neelix hummed to himself while collecting a few pots and pans from the sink. One still stained with a stray purple pea. He brought it closer, tilting it slightly. A quick exhale sorted that problem out. His hums turned into tuneless warbles as he carried them to the workbench, with numerous food ingredients waiting for him. There wasn't much room to put all of them down, which made him groan humourously at his mistake. He had no idea that he was being watched.

Quickly determining that the grill pan would be useless, he tossed it over his shoulder. Only then noticing the audience. His smile spread to a grin, his eyes lit up. "Oh hello, didn't see you there." He puffed his chest, "welcome to A Briefing With Neelix. Today is an extra special episode." To prove his point he swung his arm out at the many food items in front of him. After doing so he began to pace, smiling fondly. The camera man followed him.

"If you follow my show loyally, you'll know what I'm talking about. It's the day we look back on old times, remember lost friends and family." He stopped, faking a gasp toward the camera. "Ohno, don't look like that. I'm not going to be spreading doom and gloom, no. That's not what this show is about. Happy memories, happier times is what it's all about on A Briefing With Neelix."

The camera man followed him to the far side of the set by a window. On the wall hung a photo of Voyager orbiting Earth. It brought a tear to the Talaxian's eye. "Good times, good memories," he said in a lower voice. He turned back to the camera, all smiles once more. "Yes, today's show is dedicated to the USS Voyager and her crew. She died so we may live in peace. Free from the uncertainty of the Games and their awful little creatures. We must not mourn sadly. Celebrate!" he shouted the last line, gesturing his finger upward. "Their existence and their sacrifice." He bowed his head briefly to let that sink in.

Once done, he made his way back to the bench to face the camera once more. "To kick things off, I'm going to share one of my most popular recipe's. Described as breathtaking, or simply oh my god, the Voyager crew could not get enough of it." He failed to notice his production crew biting their lips, one held their nose in anticipation.

Neelix meanwhile grabbed a pepper in one hand, and vinegar with the other. "First, we marinade the peppers in a thin layer." Despite his words, he drowned the pepper in the biggest pan with the whole bottle. He looked worried when it ran out, until he grabbed another to continue. The smell left tears in everyone's eyes. "Oh, getting emotional again. This takes me back!" he sniffled, wiping the tears away.

One of his audience watched on a small screen on his station. He shook his head, not out of disbelief when Neelix finished emptying a second bottle. "He's cut back over the years," the hologram commented.

His attention briefly returned to his work, which he was almost done and wasn't really top priority. He had days to finish filing the crew's yearly medicals. As always he wanted them to be done before the gathering tomorrow.

"Now, we shave some garlic. Just a little," Neelix's voice said over the screen.

The Doctor's eye drifted over in time to see him grate a large clove of garlic several times. He was surprised there was anything left of it when he was done.

"We leave that to simmer while we prepare the meat," Neelix said cheerfully while placing the huge pan onto a hob turned to its highest. It immediately started spitting viciously. He ignored it to go to the slab of raw meat sitting next to vegetables. "Oh, we'll move these along so..." He pushed the meat a little to the left, then the vegetables so they were sitting in that same spot.

"Ohno," the Doctor groaned into his hand. Nobody would be stupid enough to follow his recipes or his lack of hygiene, he hoped with his entire being.

Neelix ducked down out of camera sight for a few seconds, reappearing with the grill pan he had thrown. It was momentarily upside down, then flipped back upright. "Okay. Rabbit is a delicate meat, so we need to cook it slowly. First, preparation is the key."

"I hope Damien isn't watching," the Doctor said.

As Neelix picked up a butcher's knife, the previous pan spat so much it aggravated the flames, engulfing the whole thing. Neelix continued, somehow unaware even when the fire warnings went off and his production crew started shouting.

"Now my secret ingredient, other than love, is rather tricky so pay close attention. Close up please," Neelix said.

"Oh god, the smoke stinks of vinegar!" somebody offscreen spluttered.

"And garlic!" someone else cried.

Neelix remained oblivious. His knife stabbed the meat in the centre, which he then roughly shimmied about until most of the meat had been crushed. There wasn't much left to eat thankfully once he was done. "I'm afraid that my usual secret ingredient can no longer be replicated for some reason. I assume high demand. We'll substitute it with something called turnip."

The Doctor was surprised that he was surprised when the oblivious man grabbed a whole turnip, merely cut it in half with the same knife he used to cut raw meat, then shove it into the hole. All of this while his kitchen turned black from all the smoke.

"What are you watching, an emergency broadcast?" a woman behind the hologram asked.

The Doctor bit his lip, shaking his head in disbelief. Her annoyed sigh told him he didn't need to answer her, she noticed it for herself. "He'll never know he's actually in the comedy slot. They really should give him stunt camera people though."

"Is that?" Nikki asked, squinting her eyes since the smoke was getting in the way. "Is that beetroot?"

Sure enough Neelix's next ingredient was a whole jar of the stuff. He used a hammer to smash it into a paste, which he slavered all over the meat.

"He threatens to do the banquet every year, one..." Nikki said, repressing a gag.

"No. Thanks to this he's famous. Security have his picture," the Doctor said. All they could see was smoke now, until Neelix waved his hand. "Assuming he survives."

"Phew, it's getting a bit steamy in here," Neelix laughed. There was a thud, the Doctor assumed it was him passing out.

The Doctor shook his head, briefly turning his attention to the woman by his desk. "Please tell me you passed this time."

"I passed the first question," Nikki said sheepishly.

The Doctor stared blankly, "your name?"

Nikki faked a laugh, "yeah good one, you know I can't spell that." After so many years of knowing this girl, the Doctor wasn't sure if she was serious.

TO BE CONTINUED

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